It’s been three weeks since the last day (Tuesday, July 11th) that I spent time with Mom, when she was fully conscious, and what a three weeks it has been. As with so many things in life, in some ways it feels like these weeks have flown by, while at the same time these last 21 days have also felt exhausting.
Last week on Monday, July 24th, Bob and I were leaving Three Crowns Park (TCP), the long term care/retirement community where Mom and Dad moved in April 2019, with more things we were moving out of their last apartment (where Dad lived for a little over a month before he died on Thursday, July 1, 2021 and Mom lived for about two years). It was one of many trips we’d taken, often also with Sean and Gail, to/from 107 Landstrom Manor (the assisted living area in TCP) since Mom died on Thursday, July 13th, as loved ones are given 30 days to vacate after a resident dies. Our goal was to get it done by the end of July, especially as we have an upcoming family vacation planned and wanted it resolved before we leave.
As we headed to the exit closest to Mom’s apartment that evening, we ran into one of her close friends who lives in Landstrom Manor. The friend moved there about 18 months ago and Mom was amongst those who made her feel most welcome when she arrived. Mom, her friend and a few others often had their meals together and this particular friend also spent time outside of TCP with our family on occasion, including attending one of Gail’s dance performances and an event at our home.
It was bittersweet for us to see each other, knowing how much Mom meant to all of us and appreciating how difficult these early days since her death have been for each of us to navigate. Then Mom’s friend commented on how every time she has passed 107 since she found out that Mom died, with the wreath that was hung on Mom’s door for most of the time she knew Mom, that she has touched it and said, “God bless you.” I found that so moving and though we’d already loosely planned to leave it up until our final moments clearing everything out of 107, that cemented that removing it would definitely be one of the last things we would do on Mom’s behalf at TCP.
It was very bittersweet yesterday morning, Monday, July 31st, to walk through 107 Landstrom Manor one last time, now empty of anything that belonged to my parents, and reflect on the memories made there with Mom and Dad, followed by taking down the wreath and leaving.
On Wednesday, July 19, 2023, we had Mom’s funeral at St. Nick’s Parish church in Evanston, laid her to rest at Memorial Park cemetery in Skokie and celebrated her life with at a luncheon at one of our family’s favorite restaurants, Hackney’s on Lake in Glenview.
As I feel moved in the days to come, I will share memories and other things that are helping me to process my mom’s death here, as I have done since my dad died two years ago.
I found that so helpful as I was grieving Molly’s death in those early weeks/months/years and continue to find comfort writing about my experience as a bereaved mother.
Likewise, I know writing and sharing here will help me as I continue to navigate life as a bereaved daughter and (as some of my friends who have also lost both of their parents refer to their status now) an orphan.
This is the eulogy that I wrote. As I shared at the beginning, it wasn’t very difficult for me to pull together, as I had composed a similar version 10 years ago for a memory book that we made in honor and celebration of Mom’s 70th Birthday. If I had more time to prepare I may have tightened it up, as at 16 minutes it was longer than I would’ve preferred. That said, everything I shared was meaningful to me when Mom turned 70 and held true when she died at 80. It felt important for me to paint a full picture of who my mom was and the incredibly legacy she has left.
At the end of this post I have included a video clip from Mom’s Funeral, of my giving the eulogy, since we live streamed and recorded it. You can watch the entire funeral mass here on YouTube. I did some ad libbing, so the text below doesn’t match exactly at some points. I am glad to have been able to honor my Mom’s life and legacy in this way, as I did for Dad two years ago. I know that she would be/is very proud of me.
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When Mom turned 70 ten years ago, we threw her a surprise party. She used to talk about “peak life experiences,” and I know this was one of hers. There were two main components that made that event so memorable. One was the opportunity for Mom to be surrounded by so many people that were important and special to her on that milestone birthday. The other was that we had put together a memory book called “70 Years of Jacquie” that many of those same people, as well other family and friends who live further away and weren’t able to join us in person, contributed to.
As I looked through it again this week, in preparation for my eulogy, I was struck, as I had been ten years ago, by how well Mom’s loved ones captured who she was for those first 70 years of her life. I was also heartened that though she was blessed to live for over ten more years after that day, she had received a gift not everyone gets in their lifetime — Mom was able to read how much she meant to her family and friends while she was still alive, as opposed to them waiting to share such sentiments in the context of a wake or a funeral.
At 70 Mom had yet to be diagnosed with Parkinson’s and she was still very mobile. It’s bittersweet to revisit how Mom was back then versus the last few years of her life. To be clear, she never lost so much of what made her so kind and lovable, however her many complex medical conditions made her what are of referred to as “golden years” very difficult. In reflecting on what I wanted to share with you today, in honor and memory of Mom, I looked at what I wrote 11 years ago and appreciated how much of it still rings true. That made my job easier, as I had already put into words what Mom meant to me back then.
One of my earliest memories is when we lived in our old house on Keeney Street in south Evanston. I would have been about three years old. I recall getting up the courage to go downstairs into our big yellow basement/playroom all by myself. I loved playing down there, but I also found it somewhat scary if someone else wasn’t with me. When I got there, I decided that I would try to do and sing the “Hokey Pokey.” I got off to a good start, but then my imagination got the best of me, and I ran back upstairs where my mom was waiting for me in the kitchen to comfort me and make me feel safe. It was one of many times throughout my life when I felt scared that I found being with my mom comforting. In recent years, Mom was still one of the first people that I wanted to connect with during difficult and uncertain times. My mom was a great listener, gave thoughtful advice and knew how to make her family and friends, especially her children and grandchildren, feel safe, special and loved unconditionally. Over the last few years especially the tables turned a bit and I found myself more and more in the role of caregiver – trying to make mom feel safe and comfortable, that isn’t always easy for a person with Parkinson’s and other complex medical conditions. The last 28 hours of Mom’s life, while she was in hospice, I was determined to help her feel as safe and comfortable as possible and am grateful to have been able to help her transition in peace and surrounded with love.
Mom was always such a great caregiver. She knew just what to do to help us feel better when we were sick. I remember when I would stay home from school because I wasn’t feeling up to par, Mom would usually make me “Jell-O water” to drink. Jell-O water consisted of following the first few steps of making Jell-O, without refrigerating it and then drinking it while it was still warm. I never asked how or why she came up with that special treat for when we were sick, but I always found it soothing and exciting to get to drink when I wasn’t feeling well. Another thing that mom would do if I stayed home from school because I was sick, is that if she needed to go to the grocery store or pharmacy for some reason, she would pick me up one of my favorite magazines to read as I rested on the couch. Now when my own children are not feeling well, I try to treat them the same way my mom did with me when I was sick, allowing them to eat their meals on the couch and often in front of TV so they can take it easy. It’s the little things when we aren’t feeling up to par that makes our experience more bearable, and Mom was so good with that.
When I think back to other favorite childhood memories of my mom and our Axe family, many of them revolve around meals, whether it was just being together every night at our dinner table, special brunches that Mom and Dad would make for us on the weekends, eating at restaurants in honor of special occasions or on our family road trips to Columbus, Ohio or Hilton Head Island, South Carolina to visit our grandparents. Two of my favorite meals to this day, which I often make for my own family and are very nostalgic for me, are homemade pizza and “chicken over toast.” This is partly because my mom taught me how to make both. I have especially fond memories of making homemade pizza with Mom and how delicious it would taste when we finally got to eat it after it came out of the oven. Mom also would make or buy whatever kind of cake we wanted for our birthdays and still did in recent years. Our tastes changed over the years, but I always appreciated when she checked in before my special day to see what I would like that year. This is yet another tradition that I have adopted and use with my own family now.
When I was in eighth grade my class did not get to take a trip to Washington D.C. as my sister Meg’s class had. Mom always said that she and Dad did not try to raise us exactly the same, but they did strive to be fair. So, though Meg and I did not always get to do all of the same things, it was important to Mom that I also have the opportunity to travel to and experience Washington D.C. around the same age that my older sister got to. So, during my Spring Break in 1989 Mom and I flew out to our nation’s capital. We had so much fun exploring D.C., touring the White House, visiting other monuments and attractions, including Colonial Williamsburg and Monticello together. We were there during the Cherry Blossom festival, which was so pretty. Mom also arranged for us visit my dad’s sister/my Godmother/Aunt Denny (who died last year) and my cousins/her kids, which was another special memory from our trip.
In 2014, Mom and I took another memorable trip together, just the two of us, to NYC. She had taken a similar trip with her mom many years prior and it was such a special experience for both us. We visited the 9/11 memorial, had tea at the Ritz Carlton hotel, saw the musical Kinky Boots on Broadway, visited the set of the Today show early one morning, walked and talked a lot through Central Park, as well as Times Square, and had many wonderful meals at great restaurants in Manhattan, including one that specialized in Fondue. I am grateful we had that peak life experience together and those memories are ones that I will always hold dear.
Early on, when I was in high school, I had some difficulty with the transition from middle school. I had some really great friends at Haven and when we got to ETHS some of us went our separate ways, getting involved with different extracurricular activities and such. I recall one time going to my mom and expressing my frustration and the difficulty I was having making new friends. Mom asked me if there was someone that I admired and would like to be friends with. I told her that there was this girl Katie who was really nice. I was especially impressed that in our freshman advisory class when we discussed controversial topics Katie stood up for what she believed in, even if her beliefs differed from others in our class. Mom encouraged me to court Katie’s friendship, not unlike a person would try to get to know and spend time with someone they wanted to date. At first, I thought her advice was a bit silly, as I had never intentionally really tried to become someone’s friend like that. But I realized that Katie was worth it and did what my mom suggested. It wasn’t long before Katie and I became the best of friends! We ended up being locker partners for most of our high school years and I was so grateful to find someone who had similar interests and values during such a critical time in my adolescence. Many years later I told Katie about my mom’s advice, and she too was thankful to have benefitted from her wise counsel.
Many years ago, a priest that Mom respected challenged her with the question: “What did you do with what God gave you?” She in turn relayed that to me and it is something I have returned to time and time again. I have tried very hard to live a life so far that God and my parents, especially my mom, would be proud of. This is in part because of the amazing role model Mom has been to me, my sister, our children and so many others (including many of my friends who feel a special connection to her).
I feel extremely blessed and lucky that God gave me the woman they did to be my mother and one of my best friends. Though we have had our moments, we have been very close over the years. We never shied away from difficult conversations, including right up until the end, and I can relate to so many of the stories about my mom shared in her 70th Birthday Memory Book, as I too know first-hand what an incredible, loving, generous, patient, kind, faithful, honest, trustworthy and forgiving mother, wife, friend, Christian, activist and woman she was.
My mom was also a great example of living a healthy and balanced life, from how she ate to exercising and taking care of her skin. Like her good friend Maryann, I have walked many miles along side my mom (though probably not as many thousands as they have covered together) and I am grateful for our power walks and talks. My mom knew just about everything there is to know about me, and it meant so much to be able to talk with her about anything that I was happy, sad, concerned and/or confused about. As many of know, my mom was a great listener and had such a big heart. I admire that in her retirement she chose to give so much of her time and energy to reach out to and advocate for others, especially as it relates to peace and social justice issues.
Mom always tried to make her children’s (including her son-in-laws) and grandchildren’s lives easier, as her mother did for her. Whether it was helping to fold our laundry, unloading/loading our dishwashers, coming early to a special event that we might be hosting at our home to assist us with preparations and/or watching our children so that we can get things done, we were always grateful for everything she did for us and our families.
I was very close to my mom’s mom/Grandma Dee and it meant so much to me to see that my own living children Sean and Gail got along so well with my mom/their Grandma Jacquie. They adored each other and it brought me so much joy to see them spend time together. As a retired reading specialist Mom knew how important it was for children to learn to read and I appreciated everything she did with Sean and Gail to help encourage their love of reading. As a result, at 13 and 19 they are both voracious readers!
It also meant a lot to me that my mom was sensitive and caring when it came to helping our family honor the life and memory of Bob and my daughter/her granddaughter Molly who left this world much too soon after her birth. She was also very supportive over the years during our long and difficult journey through secondary infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss.
There is so much more I could say, but more than anything there hasn’t been a day in my life when I didn’t know how much my mom loved me. That is huge. She was one of my biggest fans and believed that I could do anything I set my mind to and heart on. My mom also showed my sister Meg and me tough love at times over the years when we needed it and I believe we are both better adults, women and especially mothers for that.
During extremely difficult, painful and uncertain times in my life my mom was there for me on the phone to talk things through and in person whenever I needed her, whether it was accompanying me to a doctor’s appointment or watching and playing with Bob and my children so we could deal with what was going on.
Mom,
Thank you for being you! You were such an awesome mom and friend to me over these past 48 years!! I wrote in your 70 Years of Jacquie book that I hoped and prayed that you would be with us to celebrate many, many more birthdays and I am grateful that we got you for almost 11 more. I also wrote back then that I couldn’t imagine a life that didn’t have you in it to share all of our joys and sorrows. That is still true and getting used to this new reality of your death is not going to be easy for our family, your friends and especially me.
I wrapped up my sentiments to Mom in her birthday book with one of my favorite quotes, by Erma Bombeck, that exemplified to me who Mom was and who I continue to try to be:
“When I stand before God at the end of my life I would hope that I would have not a single bit of talent left and could say, `I used everything you gave me.”
I know how much it would mean to Mom and how much it means to our family that each of you are here and/or watching the livestream or the recording in celebration of Mom’s life and her legacy today. In the musical Hamilton they ask, “What is a legacy?” And then they suggest that “it’s planting seeds in a garden you never get to see.”
Mom planted so many seeds in various gardens and at 80 she did get to see a lot of those seeds bloom, including her descendants. As a teacher and reading specialist, Mom loved storytelling. Hamilton also pontificates about “Who lives, who dies, who tells your story?” 80 Years of Jacquie was not nearly enough for me and for everyone who loved and adored her. That said, I am so very thankful she was my mom and know that I will think of Mom and tell her story every day for the rest of my life.
Thank you all for your care, love and support since Mom died unexpectedly last week and celebrating Mom’s life and legacy with us today.
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